So it's exactly a week since I lost the plot and now I am hearing the part of my pea-brain that attempts sabotage at every opportunity loud and clear

The difference is...this time I know what is going on even if I don't know why....

After a bizzare conversation with a borderline nutcase pal of mine, we decided that if this part of my psyche had an identity, it would be easier to deal with.

Therefore...the little blighter buried deep within my consciousness was christened MURDOCH

Why Murdoch? no idea....just popped into my head

And Murdoch has been relentlessly goading me for most of the day,my body sat-nav appears to have been set for KITCHEN via ANYYTHING SWEET,STARCHY AND YUMMY

The good news is that I have been able to shut the little tosser up without any bother

Haven't taken to talking back to him out loud....but there's plenty of time for that

Had to have all my coping strategies in place last night as Hubby cracked open a bottle of my favourite wine accompanied by a bar of Galaxy

I was fine resisted efortlessly(ish) and proud of myself!

Have fallen in love with fat free greek yoghurt (used to hate it but now it's almost better than sex)
and vanilla splash sugar free gum this week

If I feel a bit shaky (when Murdoch starts whispering in the old shell like) I just pop one in

Only problem is....my jaws really ache now

I would like to take this opportunity to send a massive virtual hug to Jacobite if I may

Ps.am thinking there is something rather peculiar about the latest addition to the BB house maybe a woman in a previous life???

I have never been a great believer in the whole group therapy scenario
but I am pleased to report that I have been wrong about that!

Last night was my weekly weigh-in and I went through the motions of greeting the other group members as usual,hearing about the trials and tribulations of their week.The whole time I was very fearful of stepping on the scales as I knew my lapses would hit me in the face full on

As I thought (well actually not nearly as bad as I had predicted) I had gained weight for the first time in 23 weeeks - 1.3 lbs

G may as well have said 1 stone 3 lbs it was too much and the floodgates well and truly opened

As I knew they would both of my fellow remaining group members were right there for me (made me cry harder )
I felt kind of as though I had let them down as well as myself (critical parent crooked thinking or what!!)

We went into group and S came into her own at last

I arrived feeling like s**t and left feeling more positive than I had felt in weeks

I managed to see how my lapses were all part of what is expected on the route to management (yes I kind of missed the word ROUTE )
S convinced me that the foodpacks were easy in comparison and that the really hard bit is now - I had heard her say this previously but had clearly not been really listening (? euphoria )

I was also able to recognise that I had managed the lapses in my own way by employing strategies that the old me would never have used.

Evidence if any was ever required that attending the group sessions religiously is totally necessary if the programme has any chance of working!

So I feel as though I'm back on track and hooray the scales agreed with me this morning

My friends in the group are brilliant...I feel a bit bloody blessed to know them

Ok...so I lost the plot just a tad

Today I have been thinking (ouch) and you know I am totally sick of thinking...about

food...about diets...weight loss.....weight gain....and all the psycho-babble that comes with it!

I am and always will be compulsive/impulsive in everything I do,it has often landed me in hot

water - accepting that is tough but it doesn't make me a terrible person just honest

in word and rash in actions

I am learning how to control things and it's not going to be easy.

I will have to un-learn everything with regards to food and eating...hence abstaining becomes

suddenly very attractive!

Abstinence controlled things FOR me.

Now I have lost my parachute and am flying alone...because no matter how much support I have, I am

in charge of me

I need to take that fact and somehow celebrate it but use it as a building block for

something stronger.

Perspective is important here as I always tend to swing between everything being either fabulous

or dreadful

I need some balance.

I also have terrible stomach cramps (whinge...moan....whine )

Have measured self as felt bloated and completely pre-flippin'-menstrual, and have lost a total of

34 inches (blimey!)

Finally ....the sun is out at last and my children are still as gorgeous and brilliant as

ever therefore I am very lucky

Wave to me guys!!

Oh dear ......wasn't joking when I told y'all about said pea-type-brain was I?

was bimbling along on the RTM plan quite nicely until Thursday evening when I first heard

them

Yes...those voices coming from the biscuit tin/cupboard/crisp drawer/fridge...you name it!

What in GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON???

I resisted until Friday evening (there's an old behaviour rearing it's oh so fecking ugly head) when I proceeded to inform new slim self that it would be PERFECTLY acceptable just to NIBBLE on a rich tea biccy and that a handful of mixed nuts and raisins wouldn't do THAT much damage

Saturday was more like careering down the side of a mountain than falling off a wagon
The two handfuls of fruit and fibre 3 biscuits and inch of toblerone made me feel just flamin' dandy for oooh all of TWO NANO-FUCKING-SECONDS!!!

Yes folks the pea-brain lost control

Managed to hurl self upstairs,into study and onto PC to print some large STOP signs which I have pinned onto the offending items (all the yummy stuff in the entire house)

Have been fine ever since (apart from 3 brazil nuts ) but am DEEPLY concerned at this bizarre behaviour of mine
Have had no period for 12 weeks now and it felt very similar to the PMT craving carb frenzies of old, but that is probably just what I would like to believe....the truth is I was being a complete pig

S did say that it would be all ups and downs on the RTM - but I was doing so very well

Have sacrificed packs and been having only 2 a day to try and redeem self

MUST FOCUS
MUST FOCUS
MUST.................FOCUS

Thank goodness I have been blessed with the best friends a girl could have...otherwise the fall might well have been much longer and bumpier (it hurt enough as it was )

I think I am back on track.....but if this weekend has taught me anything it is that complacency is NOT ON THE AGENDA

Weigh-in Tuesday night....am truly dreading it

ooh am allowed diet lemonade now

Hey fellow bloggers!

Am at last feeling a bit better

Brilliant news on the weigh-in front too!

bimbled along last evening not expecting anything to have happened apart from a slight gain as I have now been eating one meal, 3 foodpacks and 4 litres of water a day since Saturday....... only 3.5 lbs off!!

You could have knocked me down with that proverbial feather (literally as am still a little feeble)

So am very happy with total weight loss of 3 stones and 11 lbs

now relatively un-scary BMI 22.3 LL scales made me 52kgs (mine less but not playing the scales game anymore)

The RTM plan is wicked introducing different foods very slowly is far more enticing than a foodie free for all

Am enjoying protein such as chicken slowly roasted with chilli,lemon juice and soy sauce along with crunchy salad leaves and celery...I know it sounds dull to y'all but to me it tastes AMAZING!!

Am having no problems so far on the temptation front (aside from the 2 chilled glasses of champagne with hubby to celebrate the end of foundation )

I am allowed skimmed milk in my coffee OMG!! it tastes exquisite

The focus is on savouring the experience of mealtimes...something I had lost completely among all the other issues I was attempting to deal with....very badly

All in all apart from a hideous sore throat, hacking cough,mother recovering from total hip replacement in Gosport (long drives backwards and forwards to visit),eldest daughter with the flu and overtired SERIOUSLY grumpy husband...I am doing fab! have pair of size 6 jeans and am looking forward to tomorrow

Kisses to all

oh dear.....feeling poorly.
Am taking antibiotics for a urine infection and don't think they agree with me
Have had to take 2 days sick from work (that went down well!)

Weigh-in last night lost 1 lb only but not that suprised as I feel like my body is rebelling a bit

Scary BMI 22.9 (yay!)

So first week on management....I will start the 'proper' food on Saturday

I feel rubbish and I am going back to bed

well it was the weigh-in on Tuesday evening again another 2lbs off!
Total weight loss now 3 stones 7.5 lbs
Scary BMI 23 dead on!

my scales say 52.9 kgs today

Decision time

So after some discussion in the group (have to say my fellow LL'ers are so much better at sorting out my head than the counsellor ) It was decided that 1 more week on the packs and Route to management will begin next Wednesday

There are so many issues relating to food for me that it really took some doing to come to that decision.
I just want to enjoy the experience of being slim and happy but I have to regain some control myself and believe that if I follow the management plan to the letter as I have followed the foodpack programme...it will work.

One of my group pointed out that I had no faith in the LL diet at the start and here I am three and a half stone lighter......why can't it be the same for RTM?

Unfortunately I need to eat to live so unlike other addictions I cannot never go near the substance again so time to bite the bullet

The management programme is low GI and they start you off on one meal and 3 foodpacks a day so I will still have the element of control there.
Plus shed loads of counselling and support over the next 12 months.
When I think of another year of support I kind of breathe a huge sigh of relief....whatever happens It wont be just me anymore

Actually I am quite excited at the challenge

We have had some dreadful half term weather kids are going stir crazy

I can just see the sun trying to peep out as I am writing this

Taking them all ice-skating today! should be a giggle....for them watching me end up on my a$$

Is there a sun dance?
kind of like a rain dance...and if so can someone DO ONE!!!

Day 132

Oh dear ...had plans to take the children to the local county show followed by a long laze in the garden on the hammock

It's raining

It's cold

Yesterday I got on my bike! first time in about 2 years for the time being I think I will try to stick to straight roads found my thigh muscles alright!

Have spent all weekend washing,Ironing,cleaning...nothing left to clean

Guess I am missing my hubby

'tis our small dog's birthday today, 3 years since he came to us....cannot believe we wrapped new collar and lead in pretty paper and gave it to him this morning

I knew I was losing my mind.......

What to do when it's raining ????
Answers on a postcard......actually please post here

Finished CV and begging (ahem) covering letter & posted on Saturday
fingers crossed

Diet wise....tomorrow I have to decide if it's time to finish development and head off into the unknown territory that is Route To Management
I weigh 53.9kgs now.

Funny how the mind works.....began to bargain with myself that when I reach 50kgs I will come off the packs I am just reallly frightened to do it

Am hoping that my counsellor will take control as I sure as hell don't know how to!
It is beyond bizzarre that I miss eating and all that goes with it so very much but feel so safe on the foodpacks and my routine that I could quite happily do it forever

Think I will ask for some help

My sister is away on holiday in Greece.....hubby away....best mate in portsmouth ...woe is me

Result!

Weigh-in last night......Another 3.5 lbs lost total weight loss now 3 stones 5 lbs

I am VERY proud to say that I tip the scales at 8 stones 7 lbs

Scary BMI (not so scary anymore) currently 23.4

I could not stay as my hubby is working away and children would have been home alone so just popped in and picked up my foodpacks for the week.
If my BMI is 23 dead on or 22 point something next Tuesday I will move into what the call Route To Management (RTM)
As I understand it this is where the counsellor 'teaches' you to eat again - sounds weird but I have no clue where to begin!
You would think I would want to nosh everything in sight, but actually I feel very safe on the packs as I do not have to choose anything beyond which flavour to have

So the counselling will continue which has to be a positive thing, and the packs also continue but become less as you introduce different foods. (I think that is how it works)

I must move with it with a positive mind set
and truly believe that like S,G and K who are all years post-LL - I will not gain the weight back again

Having this new energy and confidence has changed my whole life.........why would I want to go back to the old miserable,paranoid sluggish individual that I used to be?

Answer = I DO NOT AND WILL NOT

Soozy, the theory regarding my Robins and the cat would have been feasible but for the fact that the cat would have had to absail up the side of the house to reach the nest lolD
Whatever happened...they have gone..but It was nice while they were with me

I am busy re-writing my CV as I am considering moving back into the NHS as a theatre nurse.
I have been a practice nurse for the last 3 years (used to be a sister on a busy medical unit) and now I feel confident enough to get back 'out there' so fingers crossed I can pull it off

I miss my Hubby loads - he is away for 3 whole weeks in Europe the house is tidy and organised,the ironing is all done and the toilet seat is down but the other half of me is missing and I can't wait for him to come home.
By then we will be able to share that bottle of bubbly that has been sitting in the fridge since christmas (one glass and I will be zonked after no alcohol for 5 months )

Have a good week and should you happen to see the sunshine on your travels........please direct it towards Camberley

Very worried Went to look in on Mrs Robin and her family of 4 only to find an empty nest!

Not even a feather left

no sign of Mum anywhere either.

I am a bit sad.....they were only 10 days old, surely that's too young to fly?

Quick LL update....lost another 1.5lbs last week and scary BMI 24.1

S reckons another 2 weeks of packs...and I am relieved as am suffering from mouth ulcers and serious eyelash alopecia

Aiming to begin management in 3 weeks so it's all good

where oh where has the sunshine gone to???

anyone with any ideas on my baby robins please let me know