Juliette's Lighter life

Day 14 I knew was going to be tricky.
With the mounting tension,came a cracking headache,nausea and a gloominess something like the 'Dementors' that wee Harry potter had the pleasure of bumping into.

For information only (ahem) am careering towards TOTM, which at the best of times is a trial.

So,I was 2lbs lighter,which considering the delights of bloating and water retention,wasn't a complete disaster.
I also noticed that the others seem to be losing a lot one week and then hardly anything.
Total weight loss so far = 8lbs

Neither heart nor head was truly with the group to begin with, but I guess this is why there is a group as by 9pm I was back up there and ready to roll again! (hmmm...not literally,I know what you're thinking!)

So having commiserated and/or celebrated accordingly, I trundled off home and somewhere along the way managed to successfully cast off the demons that had been following me all day and read some of the literature that we have been given.

The Johari Window and transactional analysis are both very relevant...apparently

Day 15 (Wednesday) - much more positive (although major PMS symptoms are rearing multiple ugly heads)
Threw myself into my son's bedroom and tidied and cleaned furiously for a couple of hours before work.
Very happy that I have a replenished supply of foodpacks,even have savoury drinks (allowed 2 a day) to play with. I have to admit that I don't feel quite as deprived just now.

I am determined to stay focused, and hopefully when my hormones have levelled out next week I will have a better result.

Oh almost forgot to mention, 'Mrs mega weight loss in very short period of time' has LEFT!
Speechless
I
am

Film last night: 'Isolation'. Very bizzare and creepy tale involving a cow(who gives birth to a genetically messed-about-with-freaky-alien-type calf),a vet (who gets attacked and drowns in a slurry lake),two Irish tinkers (one who gets bitten and feverish, the other...I don't know as was too scared to watch ), a crazed scientist (who kills the feverish tinker),and a scary creature that is half cow half ...thing...(who I hope was eventually killed by tinker number 2...if she was very lucky,escaped AND learned how to act by the final frame ).
There!! That sounds like a really good film doesn't it?

Took the children and their mates swimming and was begged and bullied into a brief burger king visit

I do get mildly irritated sipping my water as the munching commences, but I have a sound understanding deep inside me that I cannot join in with the eating as, psychologically one chip would open the flood gates. (I hear you thinking 'one chip??? this woman is clearly insane!!', but I know I am an all or nothing individual, it is just the way I was made.

I still enjoyed the outing, but chose to stay far far away from the roast dinner in the evening.

Good god! it sounds like all we do is eat!! (my children are all very slim just for the record

The day ended with a film...Rocky Balboa......oh dear if you haven't..don't bother.

Day 13 (Monday) was difficult, it was like, 'oh God do I still have to do this?' really for most of the day. Monday is my day off so little in the way of distraction. Tidied the airing cupboard in a frenzy of hunger pangs ..actually my whole house is gradually being cleaned and tidied wth each growl of the tum!

Rewarded myself for no lapses with a long hot bubble bath

Have decided which shakes, bars and soups I like and which ones I just cannot stomach.
For anyone reading this intending to do the lighter life programme, you realy do have to experience each one, I have discovered that the ones I thought woud be nice were rank (nut crunch bar,lemon bar,toffee bar,thai chilli soup and caramel shake )and the ones I thought I would hate (mushroom soup,vanilla shake to name just two) are really palatable...especially when you are starving

Gearing up for the weigh-in tonight and very apprehensive. The fact that I haven't deviated gives me some hope, but I still don't feel any different

Really looking forward to the group work, just to hear the other ladies ups and downs.

Day 7 (Tuesday) was very good on the plan. A busy work day (although my patient's were all late in to see me due to excessive amount of time spent in the ladies)

I was not atall confident heading to the meeting at 7pm and actually for the first time in years I had to have a cigarette in the car ( both windows fully open so hubby will hopefully not detect whiff of nicotine - it's on his 'punishable by death' list ..that's a long long long list

When you get to the meeting you have to wee on a stick to see if your body is producing ketones, which it will if you are actually burning fat. That meant a long queue for the loo which increased the anxiety further but my stick went pink which was good.

Another long queue for the weigh-in.

So after 7 days (since the start of the programme) my total weight loss is......6lbs woohoooooo!!! go me!!!!

I did a huge YES!! but piped down when the lady who lost 13lbs in 4 days found out that her total for the week was 19lbs

I can at last see a result for all the effort, and I am SO going to carry on

We had our CBT session with S which I have to say I kind of scoffed at to begin with, but actually is very helpful.
She was talking about perception and how it can affect our choices and actions. I am starting to see just a little how for me what I have been consuming is perhaps not about the food but something else.
I have no idea what though.

So, I was floating on a cloud of pleasure all the way home.
I walked into my home, anticipating great whoops of joy from my loved ones.

Make of that what you will.

Today I am as determined as ever to succeed.

No lapses (thats what S refers eating or drinking anything normal to as)and even a little gentle exercise (ok...I walked the dogs round the block )

My mood appears to have levelled out for the time being which is peculiar as I have spent much of the last decade either buzzing (starving) or bloated and slug-like (eating). I guess what I am experiencing now is normal for most other folk, but for me it is a bit of a happy revelation.
I certainly have more patience with my children (always a plus) and I have a sort of continuous amount of energy from morning until evening which is weird (in a nice way)

My cooking has certainly improved. I thought about this and concluded that because I cannot eat what I am making, my mind must be viewing it as a kind of creative task, one that has to be just right in order to glean that sense of satisfaction It would have got DURING the meal in the past.

I am however dreading the weigh in I don't feel any lighter/thinner, and it will be blow if I have not lost anything. I really really really have not deviated from the programme, therefore unless I am some kind of alien freakzoid I can't see why I should remain at this weight.

Actually to say I am dreading it is an understatement .

Hubby has lost 4lbs this week....he has been eating real food and having the odd glass of wine, and while I am chuffed for him, I can't help feeling a bit sour grapes as my sacrifices have been so much more brutal.

I guess that eventually my body will have to acknowledge the changes I have made...even if it is not this week and even if I am no thinner...I can't possibly be any fatter...can I ?

what I must not do is come back from the meeting in a massive strop and chuck away all of my hard hard work (am writing this so I can read it back and not give up)

What can I say about Sunday? Pretty much as I predicted really.
I am beginning to think that the whole low mood / anger / deprivation thing is as much to do with wine consumption as food.
Not "being drunk" but the whole sitting down at the end of a certain day(Wednesday as no work Thursday,Friday and Saturday)with that large glass of chilled vino was definately up there in the top reward/things to look forward to category. I rarely used to follow this pattern on Sunday, so it was much less stressful on the whole.

One useful side effect of the Lighter Life plan appears to be a strange and overwhelming desire to tidy up and clear out cupboards and drawers that I haven't bothered with in well....a couple of years
Whether this is to do with the "boundless energy" I am supposed to have from the daily 4 litres of water, or just the fact that my brain recognises that I need something to do to to keep my mind from wandering off to the land of Roast beef and horseradish gravy I do not know, but It has been most beneficial in the keeping-myself-sane challenge

On day 5 (yesterday) you are allowed to have your first bar (one of those that happily imitates a big yummy chocolate) and while I knew that it would not be a big yummy anything, I was so looking forward to eating something as opposed to slurping it through a straw.
I shall not attempt describe the taste or texture of this item. I have searched extensively on Dictionary.com and there is not an adjective currently in the English language to suffice.
I did have a giggle over the hideousness of the product, but accepted that it is part and parcel of the whole regimen, and that (as in the army) I AM NOT HERE TO ENJOY MYSELF!!!

I am actually feeling really proud of myself (what IS this strange sensation ) for even making it as far as this, despite the crushing news of the 1.7lb weight loss on Saturday.
I really doubted my commitment and determination on Day 1, and I am under no illusion that it will EVER be easy,but so far I am not a failure. I have not failed.I will not fail.Failure is NOT on this lady's agenda (this week )

Friday in itself was a good day LL wise, I had no headache or nausea and was feeling very positive until I got home and it dawned on my pea sized excuse for a brain that there was to be no wine & fag ritual duing the coronation street / Eastenders crappo hour between 7.30 & 8.30
I was so so so disturbed by this apparent oversight that yes I was near to tears ( can you believe it????)

Ended up taking the dogs out for a walk with my long suffering bemused hubby so that I could have a cigarette. I did rationalise my despondency later on in the evening and concluded that a lot of things in life are about routine,habit and things by assosciation. Having my fag on the sofa in front of the soaps but without my wine would have been like .....well....walking without your legs ....It just wouldn't do the job or have the same effect.
However, by changing the scenario I was able to enjoy the cigarette alone (yes I know it is a filthy,life-shortening and very un p.c habit but give me a break....I cannot leave everything behind all at once)

The rest of the evening was tough but manageable.

On Saturday (Day 4) I woke up happy that I had survived Friday without cracking and set off for my mid week meeting.

To say I was pissed off afterwards would be a gross understatement.
After following this damned programme TO THE LETTER, having NOT CHEATED IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM, having suffered a torrent of soul destroying feelings and emotions for 4 days, wanna know how much weight this lady has lost?

1.7lbs.

Now, I can understand to a degree that being the lightest starting weight in the group I am likely to lose less, but I had the joy of sitting next to a lady who had lost 13lbs IN 4 FUCKING DAYS DOING THE SAME SHAGGING DIET AS ME

I was gutted (can ya tell? ), but discussed this with S who assured me that as a result of periodical near starvation over the past 10 years, my body was holding on to what it could in disbelief that this was to continue long term.
I still shed a few self pitying tears on the way home, but my better half said all the right things to help me to carry on (very suprisingly )

Suffice to say that Saturday evening rated as even WORSE than Friday in the "poor me" stakes,my hubby almost suffered near-stir-fry injuries and had to eat elswhere.
I did not cave in, did not cheat or eat any food.
What I did think a lot about was the fact that my moods are so dictated by my comfort routines. Not rocket science I know but an enlightening personal revelation all the same

So I have arrived at the morning of Day 5 raring to go safe in the knowledge that it is Sunday and apart from the roast chicken and roast potatoes with 5 veg,yorkshire puds,stuffing balls and half a bottle of red wine....I really won't be missing out on very much today
I feel that there may be trouble at t'mill on Tuesday if I haven't lost more weight.

I don't want to be bottom of the class ALL my life

Fortunately I won that match and woke up this morning very suprisingly buoyant! and I haven't used that word for many a year!
Work was a breeze until 1pm when the headache returned. Armed with paracetamol and my hateful bottle of Evian (why does it have a use by date????? it's been filtering through the alps for 15 years...oh god I'm reading the bottle in an attempt to not think about food)I made my blurry way to Tescos to buy some straws and breath freshener spray Almost lost the plot next to the hot chickens but came away without losing consciousness and here I am still bimbling along feeling like death warmed up.

I re-read the LL book 1 today for some motivation. The first few days are likened to climbing a wall.Hmmm more like Everest......maybe I will find some more Evian at the summit....can't wait Forgive me for being a grouch, but you have to realise that giving in would be soooooooo easy and I need to vent!!!!

So tonight I have my sign language class and I am hoping to avoid eating one of my own limbs and having to explain why

Oh yes.....this is worth a mention...I am still not hungry...that's very weird.
and I have used the bathroom approximately 200 squillion times in the last 24 hours

I wonder how the others are managing? I hope it's as horrid for them (I know..that's nice of me)

So here I find myself on day 1 of LL reflecting on last evening's first meeting. It felt like AA except humiliation totalis via public weigh - in (shit shit shit)
Here it is... the more squeamish amongst you may want to look away from the screen now ....
Height 5ft 1/2" (154 cm) Weight 76.9kgs BMI 32.7

The 15 of us (sadly no grotesque morbidly obese candidates to make me feel smug thin self of days gone by) sat in a room with the apprehension palpable, and several times i wanted to run from the room screaming " I have made a mistake...I shouldn't be here.......I'm just mirror phobic..........I like being obese..really I doooooooo". Managed to keep arse on chair, survive the scales (shit), pay the money (shit) and wrote my name on a sticker which our counsellor (S) asked us to place on our breast of choice. One lady responded with "which breast would you like? I have 6 .....4 at the front 2 at the back" I chortled (really) as I got it totally and knew I was among desperados just ike me!

There was a 15 minute dvd to watch...I actually paid attention (diversional tactic regarding horrifying recent weight and BMI revelation) after which we were herded in fat cow fashion into the therapy room which reminded me of insane asylum / rehab prison (spot on) but it was here that I looked around and realised that we were all here in last chance fat hell together (all as one and all that). These fellow starvees were going to be my lifeline and if I wanted to succeed I had to stop clockwatching and start listening.(wow that sounds serious)

So here I sit (still sitting you will note) having just got through my first pack (grim) looking at the 3.5 litre brita water filter jug sitting in the fridge (bollocks) wondering how I got here, how I am going to do today and if I will make it through to Saturday for our next meeting ........alive and in possession of what little sanity I have left