Juliette's Lighter life

Tuesday was the weekly weigh-in (am thinking that a fortnightly weigh-in would be more inspiring)

I lost another 2.7 pounds
Bringing my total weight loss so far to 1 stone 4 1/2 pounds
Average weight loss 3.2 pounds a week ~ not bad!

My scary BMI is now sitting at 28.9
I am aiming for a healthy 25 (in my dreams? )

I am suddenly finding food very very tempting again ~ there doesn't seem to be any particular physical reason for this, more a psychological sort of "I've done so well, a small treat seem to be in order" vibe

So......I MUST STAY DETERMINED!!!

We have reached week 7, half way through the CBT. S talked to us about crooked thinking and I had one of those moments where what she was saying really made absolute sense - I could relate to it completely.
Unfortunately there were no tips on how to alter this way of thinking about things...maybe that will be next time?

Feeling fine, no lapses and hoping to see a better result for my efforts on Tuesday.
It seems that my hormones are disrupted and perhaps my pathetic weight loss last week was down to that

I have been on a bit of a baking frenzy which is bizzare seeing as how I can't eat any
The children are enjoying the fruits of my labour though!

I was pleased when I realised I had reached Day 40....until my son said "that's great Mum, only 60 more days to go"

The next milestone will be Day 50 ~ half way through foundation
That sounds much better to my starving li'l ears

Hubby is coming home tomorrow methinks all thought of food will fly out of the window

Bit of a dull post I'm afraid. Feels like a bit of an emotional plateau which must be a good thing

I am having a horrid week and I BLAME MY HUSBAND for.....just EVERYTHING!!!!

Ahhhh that feels better

I have not been feeling very well, there is a viral doo-da(medical terminology ) going round ~ makes you feel nauseous,headachey and generally crap)

Managed to get through work (although the patient I saw in astma clinic probably now firmly believes that I am on drugs as I talked a complete load of )

It was my weigh-in and group meeting straight after.

I somehow knew that I had not lost weight this week .
I have not done anything differently and have never lapsed (not even a grain of rice has passed these fair lips )
Sure enough, I dragged myself over to the scales only to hear the chirpy australian bint who does the weighing ("when I lost all my weight bla bla bla bla bla"....... every fecking week) say "oooh well done darling, that's 1.1 lbs I really really had to resist the urge to pick up said scales and bash her skull in with them

1.1 lbs what in God's name is that about?
One of the other ladies lost half a pound, and I know that she felt just a pissed off as me

I dozed through the 'motivational' (ahem) dvd and cuddled up in my coat and scarf through S talking about Recognition and touch hunger.(shall have to look it up as it sounded complete bollocks at the time)

Drove home on auto-pilot and slept fitfully dreaming all night about riding a motorbike that wouldn't work (uphill) ~ that says it all really

Happy to say though that this morning - Day 36 - I appear to feel a bit better physically and certainly not as negative.

Am missing my better half so much ~ I guess that is half the problem right now

The last film I watched was 'The last king of Scotland'(Forest Whitaker and James McAvoy).
The title had put me off previously ~ that was silly!
I was completely blown away, totally transfixed. One of those rare movies where the actors seem to have been born to play their particular roles.

The benefits are beginning to show, albeit slowly.

Actually threw out the trousers I was wearing on Day 1 as they were falling down! (I'm a bit too ancient to do the thong/tops of buttocks showing thing)
Also, happy to report fitting into a pair of jeans that I have never worn before
I have noticed that my knees and hips no longer ache if I have been sitting in one position for more than about 20 minutes which has to be a definite plus point.

Scary BMI now 29!

I am despondent as Hubby has gone away to work for 10 days

The usual course of action (planned well in advance) would have been bottle of white wine,a big greasy chinese take-away(the children begged me to get it)and more wine until sleep eventually prevailed.

Dum de dum.....de dum....... what am I going to do to make myself feel a bit more cheery?

It's far too cold to nip outside for a crafty ciggy and I have cleaned the house to death already

I am feeling sorry for li'l ole me and to make matters worse I was a complete bitch to him when he left at 6am

It's like my safety net is missing and I don't have a contingency plan

I suppose I could view this period of time as a challenge (like I don't have one at the moment)
It's the only thing I can think of just now. Perhaps my group will be able to help on Tuesday? ~ oh no another weigh-in coming up!

I watched one of the oddest films on Friday evening. It was so odd that I am still trying to work out wether it was brilliant or a load of pants
'Magnolia' starring Tom(I must overact at every conceivable opportunity)Cruise, Julianne(I just wanna be Jodie Foster)Moore and a lot of others I have never heard of.
Very fragmented tale of nine individual's separate yet connected storylines, (the interactions among several people during one day in the San Fernando Valley, in Los Angeles, California).
I was curiously drawn in ~ then It began to rain frogs .......really

The first(and most important)bit is that the renal pain has ceased without any intervention.

Strangely enough a couple of other ladies suffered similarly over the weekend. One went to A&E and was immediately told to stop the foodpacks and eat ~ actually made to eat in front of the doctor the other went to her GP and was told to stop the packs straight away

Being a practice nurse, I chat with doctors every day and asked a few what they thought.
The general opinion was that the volume of water is very shocking to the Liver and kidneys and they are working very hard to begin with after being in a state of near dehydration for years. There is the added risk of gall bladder problems on very low calorie diets, but it is felt that this would most likely be a pre-existing condition, probably exacerbated by rapid weight loss.

They did all say that while they would be duty bound to advise anyone who presented to them with these symptoms while on LL to stop the plan and return to a normal diet,they would NO WAY make a patient eat in front of them.

My personal feeling is that if an individual not on the programme were to present with identical symptoms, they would most certainly not be told to stop eating food

The second bit is that my weight loss on Tuesday was 2.6lbs.
I have now lost a total of one stone and one pound

The third bit of news is that I have dropped a dress size and am now comfortable in a size 12
as opposed to squeezed into a size 14
Also, S measured us all again and showed us the 'gap' in the tape measure which was astonishing . We were all so preoccupied with the number on the scales so it did wonders for morale to see the evidence in inches.

After a month I have lost 4 1/2" from my bust,4" from my waist and 4" from my hips
It doesn't sound much, but its undeniable proof that I am shrinking

In group we discussed psychological hungers and the ways that we structure our time. All very interesting but I was still too chuffed with the tape measure results to contribute very much

Today is Day 30 ~ valentines day

I recieved a huge bunch of yellow roses (my absolute favourite!) in a gorgeous vase,arranged by himself!! and a beautiful card complete with romantic words also written by himself what is going on?....I am so happy to be spoiled

It has suddenly dawned on me though that, despite all the changes I have been making one thing hasn't changed atall....... I am still preoccupied with my weight 24/7
Am wondering if this will ever change........

Unbelievably Friday night (Day 24) was ok Hubby had a lovely hot bubbly bath waiting for me when I got in from work (my man is listening after all) and that seemed to wipe out all the usual frustration and negative feelings

On the health front I am feeling a bit lousy nothing to do with the programme, just bad luck. I have suffered from pyelonephritis in the past and have been having loin pain for the past 48 hrs. I can cope with it just about, but am finding it hard to stomach anything. I am worried though that if I go to my GP she will tell me to come off the programme - which isn't fair as if I presented with this normally she wouldn't tell me to stop eating would she?

As I am apyrexial and have no haematuria, I will dose up on pain killers and wait for it to pass. There is no way I am stopping the plan at this stage

Day 25 ~ a quarter of the way through foundation!!
I can't believe that I have made it this far pats self on the back

Apart from the pain in my back ~ I am feeling very positive.

At long last my mind seems to have accepted that things are a changin' and my routine has appeared to have become securely embedded in my psyche.

Long may the serenity last

Day 22 (Wednesday) ~ spent the morning cleaning and polishing the Aga yes, the cleaning frenzy continues!
Went to work in the afternoon and, I have to admit that I am somewhat miffed by the fact that not one individual appears to have noticed any change in my appearance
Perhaps someone will see a difference next week?

Day 23 ~ Chickened out big time put Mum off until 2pm to avoid the whole lunch scenario. (obviously not very serene at that point )
Good decision as it turned out as hangover status was on full red alert

However there was a momentary hesitation at the front door (we haven't seen each other since christmas day) and a brief confused expression (like something about me was different) but this was swiftly replaced with the usual moans and groans about hangover symptoms that are clearly hangover symptoms but must be some mystery disease that crept in and accosted her in the dead of night (obviously NO alcohol involved)

Still, It was ok and as I said at the start ....... I am at this very moment serenity personified

Watch this space though Friday night is looming

I have already decided that the Friday night routine has to be, in from work at 7pm & in the bath by 7.05pm, just to save myself and my husband from the angst part in between

Just have time to warn you off a truly dreadful excuse for a film that I happened to catch on sky last night
The synopsis sounded great, Jason Statham of Lock Stock fame, lots of action and a clever plot....

Hmmmm

If you ever happen to see that the next film showing is 'Crank' do yourself a favour and watch yet another Top Gear re-run

Day 21 ~ weigh-in.
It was a good day diet wise, no lapses and I think my uniform was slightly looser at last!

I have lost another 4.6 lbs

Total weight loss = 12.3 lbs

My scary BMI is now 30.1 (it was 32.4 at the start of the programme)So next week hopefully it will be below 30 which will make me 'overweight' as opposed to 'obese'

Everyone in the group was on the whole pleased and has either lost just over or just under a stone, so we are all on target.
What I love about our lot is that there is no sense of competitiveness(is that a word? )
Actually everyone is very supportive.

S talked a lot about Ego states.
I understand the concept but am wondering how I will be able to control the negative and promote the adult ego state

This got me thinking about the controlling parent ego state.....and the fact that my mum is coming to visit on Thursday.
When I spoke to her on the phone last week she was already talking about what we were going to have for lunch
I haven't told her that I am on this programme. I did not want the confrontation. Now I don't think there is any choice

The irony is that she is an alcoholic (thanks for the addiction genes mom )
She is functional, but spends much of her sober time in 'status hangoverus' ,where she is short-tempered and understanding/compassion/encouragement are all in very short supply

I wish I could tell you that it is the nurturing parent in her that makes her this way

I chatted at length to one of the ladies in the group about my dilemma, and we could see no other way around it apart from for me to be honest.Because this is a long term programme,it will only be delaying the situation if I don't tell her now. (goodness me!~adapted child ego state )

My hubby was actually really great about this dilemma, and he is going to come home for lunch to give me some support (He has no idea how much his support means to me ~ I was expecting him to tell me to 'deal with it')I am made up
My feeling is that if Mum sees that someone else is supporting and encouraging me, she will perhaps not want to be the only negative voice???

Despite all the ups and downs over the last 21 days, one thing has remained consistent.

I have stuck to the programme 100%.
I have not deviated in any way.
I have not cheated.
I have consumed 4 foodpacks daily.
I have drunk at least 4 litres of water daily.
I have not tasted one crumb of conventional food.

I have not let myself down this time

Enough of the shameless self congratulations already

Back to the blog.....Day 18 (Saturday)
After a bit of a low start, it turned out to be a very chilled-out nice day!
The good thing about these tempestuous mood swings is that they seem to be relatively short lived.
Made a yummy (so I was informed) chicken curry for the family and felt fairly detatched from the food. The smells emanating from the pot was the trickiest part, but the effects were fleeting.

Nicholas Cage of course did not let the side down on Saturday night . The Weather Man was a triumph!. It kinda made up for the shameful assortment of balderdash that I have had the displeasure to endure recently.
The man has it all.

Day 19
ooh went to Tesco's to do the weekly shop with hubby and middling daughter.
I had read about a lady who cried her eyes out all the way around the supermarket while she was on the plan....so I was a bit wary

It was fine.

Like choosing furniture.

Dull if anything, but the experience certainly did not evoke feelings of deprivation or despair.
I was glad about that.

Day 20 ~~~~~~~ back on the rollercoaster of turmoil

I just don't understand where the rage comes from.

I was completely fine all day. The diet is now very routine and really had no negative thoughts about it during the day.
My husband strolled in from his day at work very relaxed and happy.....not for long
I had prepared pork earlier in the day, marinated it in Hoi-Sin sauce and made a stir-fry.

I did this because I wanted to.

But, suddenly my brain interpreted his relaxed demeanour to mean that he somehow unappreciated or took my cullinary efforts for granted. Coupled with an ongoing personal situation that we currently have which bubbles to the surface at any given opportunity, the result wasn't pretty

I ended up in my place of solitude ~ the bath
Had a weep.
We made our peace.
I am genuinely sorry and ashamed for these outbursts, but I guess even if we are not consciously aware of inner frustrations it does not mean that they are not there.

Now I am again worrying about the weigh-in

In group, S talked about Kübler-Ross grief cycle, and how it was relevant to our situation now. That seemed quite strange at the time, but, I am seeing the connection. A loss of anything that you regard as important or significant (my relationship with food in this instance) will begin this cycle and often without discussing it, you can be unaware. What I did not know before, despite learning about grief and bereavement as a nurse, is that that it does not(as I believed previously)happen in stages, but a spiral effect (she drew a picture that looked a bit like a whirlwind or tornado),where all the feelings of denial,anger,bargaining,despair and acceptance all overlap and hopefully lessen and lessen as time passes.

Now, I am no way likening a diet to the loss of a loved one (I have some sense!)but it is a helpful model in order to rationalise some very extreme responses

Day 16 was fine, really thought I had cracked it, no cravings or feelings of major deprivation. Good BSL lesson and no lapses

Day 17 - Friday
During the day all was well, by 7.30pm I was DEMONIC
I sat in the bath crying huge wet baby tantrum tears, hurled unkind words at my confused
husband and actually slammed my fists into the water!

But I don't really know why

I was certainly not hungry or thirsty ...... I guess I still associate the weekends with wonderful indulgences, and that fantastic feeling of reckless behaviour.

I know that I must find a replacement, but nothing right now measures up to that ceremonial glass of wine and take-away followed by more wine, more wine and more wine

Tonight will be similar, but not quite as bad.

I may take up needlepoint

Truly dreadful film last night The Specialist (nothing special about this I can honestly say )
Sylvester (one very lonely brain cell) Stallone (he seems to be popping up a lot at the moment ) Sharon (famous for flashing her once) OTT mafia/mobster type family (very poor impersonations of the godfather blokey) and a borderline porno scene in the shower at the end (Stallone should forget the speaking roles and stick to showing his butt )