So it's exactly a week since I lost the plot and now I am hearing the part of my pea-brain that attempts sabotage at every opportunity loud and clear

The difference is...this time I know what is going on even if I don't know why....

After a bizzare conversation with a borderline nutcase pal of mine, we decided that if this part of my psyche had an identity, it would be easier to deal with.

Therefore...the little blighter buried deep within my consciousness was christened MURDOCH

Why Murdoch? no idea....just popped into my head

And Murdoch has been relentlessly goading me for most of the day,my body sat-nav appears to have been set for KITCHEN via ANYYTHING SWEET,STARCHY AND YUMMY

The good news is that I have been able to shut the little tosser up without any bother

Haven't taken to talking back to him out loud....but there's plenty of time for that

Had to have all my coping strategies in place last night as Hubby cracked open a bottle of my favourite wine accompanied by a bar of Galaxy

I was fine resisted efortlessly(ish) and proud of myself!

Have fallen in love with fat free greek yoghurt (used to hate it but now it's almost better than sex)
and vanilla splash sugar free gum this week

If I feel a bit shaky (when Murdoch starts whispering in the old shell like) I just pop one in

Only problem is....my jaws really ache now

I would like to take this opportunity to send a massive virtual hug to Jacobite if I may

Ps.am thinking there is something rather peculiar about the latest addition to the BB house maybe a woman in a previous life???

I have never been a great believer in the whole group therapy scenario
but I am pleased to report that I have been wrong about that!

Last night was my weekly weigh-in and I went through the motions of greeting the other group members as usual,hearing about the trials and tribulations of their week.The whole time I was very fearful of stepping on the scales as I knew my lapses would hit me in the face full on

As I thought (well actually not nearly as bad as I had predicted) I had gained weight for the first time in 23 weeeks - 1.3 lbs

G may as well have said 1 stone 3 lbs it was too much and the floodgates well and truly opened

As I knew they would both of my fellow remaining group members were right there for me (made me cry harder )
I felt kind of as though I had let them down as well as myself (critical parent crooked thinking or what!!)

We went into group and S came into her own at last

I arrived feeling like s**t and left feeling more positive than I had felt in weeks

I managed to see how my lapses were all part of what is expected on the route to management (yes I kind of missed the word ROUTE )
S convinced me that the foodpacks were easy in comparison and that the really hard bit is now - I had heard her say this previously but had clearly not been really listening (? euphoria )

I was also able to recognise that I had managed the lapses in my own way by employing strategies that the old me would never have used.

Evidence if any was ever required that attending the group sessions religiously is totally necessary if the programme has any chance of working!

So I feel as though I'm back on track and hooray the scales agreed with me this morning

My friends in the group are brilliant...I feel a bit bloody blessed to know them

Ok...so I lost the plot just a tad

Today I have been thinking (ouch) and you know I am totally sick of thinking...about

food...about diets...weight loss.....weight gain....and all the psycho-babble that comes with it!

I am and always will be compulsive/impulsive in everything I do,it has often landed me in hot

water - accepting that is tough but it doesn't make me a terrible person just honest

in word and rash in actions

I am learning how to control things and it's not going to be easy.

I will have to un-learn everything with regards to food and eating...hence abstaining becomes

suddenly very attractive!

Abstinence controlled things FOR me.

Now I have lost my parachute and am flying alone...because no matter how much support I have, I am

in charge of me

I need to take that fact and somehow celebrate it but use it as a building block for

something stronger.

Perspective is important here as I always tend to swing between everything being either fabulous

or dreadful

I need some balance.

I also have terrible stomach cramps (whinge...moan....whine )

Have measured self as felt bloated and completely pre-flippin'-menstrual, and have lost a total of

34 inches (blimey!)

Finally ....the sun is out at last and my children are still as gorgeous and brilliant as

ever therefore I am very lucky

Wave to me guys!!

Oh dear ......wasn't joking when I told y'all about said pea-type-brain was I?

was bimbling along on the RTM plan quite nicely until Thursday evening when I first heard

them

Yes...those voices coming from the biscuit tin/cupboard/crisp drawer/fridge...you name it!

What in GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON???

I resisted until Friday evening (there's an old behaviour rearing it's oh so fecking ugly head) when I proceeded to inform new slim self that it would be PERFECTLY acceptable just to NIBBLE on a rich tea biccy and that a handful of mixed nuts and raisins wouldn't do THAT much damage

Saturday was more like careering down the side of a mountain than falling off a wagon
The two handfuls of fruit and fibre 3 biscuits and inch of toblerone made me feel just flamin' dandy for oooh all of TWO NANO-FUCKING-SECONDS!!!

Yes folks the pea-brain lost control

Managed to hurl self upstairs,into study and onto PC to print some large STOP signs which I have pinned onto the offending items (all the yummy stuff in the entire house)

Have been fine ever since (apart from 3 brazil nuts ) but am DEEPLY concerned at this bizarre behaviour of mine
Have had no period for 12 weeks now and it felt very similar to the PMT craving carb frenzies of old, but that is probably just what I would like to believe....the truth is I was being a complete pig

S did say that it would be all ups and downs on the RTM - but I was doing so very well

Have sacrificed packs and been having only 2 a day to try and redeem self

MUST FOCUS
MUST FOCUS
MUST.................FOCUS

Thank goodness I have been blessed with the best friends a girl could have...otherwise the fall might well have been much longer and bumpier (it hurt enough as it was )

I think I am back on track.....but if this weekend has taught me anything it is that complacency is NOT ON THE AGENDA

Weigh-in Tuesday night....am truly dreading it

ooh am allowed diet lemonade now

Hey fellow bloggers!

Am at last feeling a bit better

Brilliant news on the weigh-in front too!

bimbled along last evening not expecting anything to have happened apart from a slight gain as I have now been eating one meal, 3 foodpacks and 4 litres of water a day since Saturday....... only 3.5 lbs off!!

You could have knocked me down with that proverbial feather (literally as am still a little feeble)

So am very happy with total weight loss of 3 stones and 11 lbs

now relatively un-scary BMI 22.3 LL scales made me 52kgs (mine less but not playing the scales game anymore)

The RTM plan is wicked introducing different foods very slowly is far more enticing than a foodie free for all

Am enjoying protein such as chicken slowly roasted with chilli,lemon juice and soy sauce along with crunchy salad leaves and celery...I know it sounds dull to y'all but to me it tastes AMAZING!!

Am having no problems so far on the temptation front (aside from the 2 chilled glasses of champagne with hubby to celebrate the end of foundation )

I am allowed skimmed milk in my coffee OMG!! it tastes exquisite

The focus is on savouring the experience of mealtimes...something I had lost completely among all the other issues I was attempting to deal with....very badly

All in all apart from a hideous sore throat, hacking cough,mother recovering from total hip replacement in Gosport (long drives backwards and forwards to visit),eldest daughter with the flu and overtired SERIOUSLY grumpy husband...I am doing fab! have pair of size 6 jeans and am looking forward to tomorrow

Kisses to all

oh dear.....feeling poorly.
Am taking antibiotics for a urine infection and don't think they agree with me
Have had to take 2 days sick from work (that went down well!)

Weigh-in last night lost 1 lb only but not that suprised as I feel like my body is rebelling a bit

Scary BMI 22.9 (yay!)

So first week on management....I will start the 'proper' food on Saturday

I feel rubbish and I am going back to bed